It’s not often I run across a book that I want to just shove into everyone’s hands and say, “Here. Read this. She has important things to say that will make you rethink yourself.” Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly, however, is that book.
I’m not normally a big fan of self-help books – no one can possibly know the right path for everyone else to follow. Social science/psychology books are likewise of little interest to me, usually because they tend to be dry and boring. In Daring Greatly, Brown seems to find that right mix of providing the results of years of research in a conversational way that makes you become more aware of yourself and your cultures, and as a result you want to make changes in how you interact with the world, but she doesn’t go so far as to tell you how to do so. It’s up to you to figure out that very personal path for yourself.
Okay, what the heck am I talking about, anyway? What research? What information?
Brown’s focus in Daring Greatly is on how our lives, self-worth, and even the greater cultures we live in are fundamentally influenced by, even based on, shame. We live in a society that grinds us down with shame. We have cultural norms that if (let’s face it – when) we fail to meet fully we are deemed failures. We define ourselves by what we do and don't do. If we snap at our child, we didn’t just make a mistake, we are poor parents. As a woman, I am expected to be productive, sexy, cheerful, a great mother, thin, nurturing, etc., etc., and if I’m not, there’s something wrong with me - I'm failing at being a successful woman. Men are likewise expected to be good providers, masculine, strong, heterosexual, fearless, etc., etc., and if they lack any of these characteristics, there’s something wrong with them. Some days, trying and failing to live up to society’s expectations can make getting through the day nearly unbearable. And society doesn't just mean America (or whatever country you live in); it can be a church, school, club, family, work environment - the possibilities for failing to live up to expectations are boundless. In my little family, we have a strong expectation that our time must be spent productively - all of our time. If we just need to sit and relax, we're lazy.
Not only do we have cultural ideals to live up to in order not to be shamed, we impose ideals upon ourselves. As an artist, if I submit a piece to a show and it is not accepted, I have a deep-rooted tendency to think, “I’m a terrible artist. I should just quit.” I think many of us suffer from berating ourselves as bad people for not living up to our ideals for ourselves – not thin enough, not wealthy enough, not ….
What Brown wants us to focus on is not taking any variation from the norm or the expected as a condemnation of our entire being, but move past that into “shame resiliency.” In order to not be mired down in swamps of shame, we need to stop condemning ourselves and start realizing that we are all different and can’t all possibly live up to the same expectations. No matter what I do, no matter how much weight I lose, I’ll never have the thigh gap that popular media tells me is so important. That doesn’t make me less of a woman, just a different one. I certainly shouldn’t be ashamed of myself for not having stick-like thighs. When my art is not accepted into a show, it doesn’t mean I’m a terrible artist, it just means my art wasn’t right for that show at that time.
I’ve heard many other people convey similar messages when they say things like “be kind to yourself” or “ignore the negative gremlins in your head.” What Brown does is really get at the root of why we have feelings of shame and how they are culturally reinforced. Allowing ourselves to be less than “perfect” takes a great deal of vulnerability, another concept Brown discusses at length, but doing so makes us stronger and happier, more at ease in the world.
I’m going to stop now. I’m doing a terrible job of trying to summarize Brown’s message. You really need to read Daring Greatly for yourself. If you do, I’d love to hear what you think of it and how you see it relating to your life.
