"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Oh, if only it were true.
There has been a great deal of hoopla lately about a wide variety of issues related to political campaigns, gay rights, civil liberties, personal choice, and on and on, much of which is being hotly debated on Facebook, on blogs, and in the media - social and traditional. Much of this debate has been unkind. Individuals on all sides of arguments resort to name-calling and insults to make their points rather than presenting rational arguments.
Many blogs are discussing this topic at length lately. My connection to them has primarily been through postings on Andilit, but I see many others through Facebook. Although I haven't by any means read all of the posts available out there, I've read enough to see a common theme: we all need to be more aware of how what we say affects others, and then learn to moderate what we say. We all need to stop being so mean!
Is there anyone out there who never had someone say something that's hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally? Anyone? I didn't think so. If you're like me, and like many others who have been writing lately, at least one of those comments has affected you for years, if not decades; has affected how you see yourself or how you relate to the world.
"You really sing loud," James said to me after church on a day the children's choir had sang during the service. He made no comments on the quality of my singing, but I heard them. I loved to sing, still do, so I didn't quit singing entirely, but I never again sang out in public with joy and enthusiasm. I save that for when I'm alone in my truck and have the radio turned up loud.
"The only instrument our family can play is the radio," my mom said repeatedly. She said it tongue-in-cheek, but the message was clear. I never bothered to try playing an instrument in school, and as a result, I never learned anything about music. For years, I said I was tone deaf; it's only as an adult that I've realized this isn't true. I can definitely tell when a voice or instrument is out of tune, even if I don't know how to consistently sing in tune myself.
My view of myself as fat started when, as a preteen, I started to develop the hips and breasts of an adult woman. For the next several years, I could look in the mirror and count every rib, but I was sure I was fat because I didn't have a stick-like adolescent body and because others said things that implied I was. My body has grown to encompass that image, unfortunately, but the hurt of comments on my size as a teen has never gone away.
My point behind sharing these stories is that in no case was the intent really to hurt me in any way or to diminish my opinion of myself, but hurt and self-doubt were the results nonetheless. It is not uncommon that we unthinkingly make hurtful statements, often not realizing the long-term impact they can have on others. This problem is, I think, becoming worse with the increase in electronic social media because we're able to instantly respond to other's remarks. We often don't take the time to think through what we're saying, and we don't have to look them in the face to see the impact of our statements.
So much of our communication is now public that our every text, Facebook post, and e-mail needs to be considered an extension of us and the way the world sees us. We can no longer assume that anything is truly private, nor can we expect that anything we say will ever go away. I once had a friend comment negatively on a Facebook post and then delete the comment. I know she did this, presumably rethinking the wisdom of her comment, because I saw it before it was deleted. In some ways, it made a greater impact on me because she chose to delete it rather than let me respond.
This post has ended up being a rather long and rambling diatribe, and I apologize. I just ask that you, please, take the time to consider your communications with your spouse, children, friends, and strangers, verbal and written, and make sure that what you say is what you mean to say. Let kindness be your guide.
