Several days ago I wrote about wanting to preserve some sort of friendship with my daughter as she enters her preteen and teen years. Comments from Wendy and Mandy reminded me that we may not always be friends and she may not always like me, but that's not what's really important.
After reassuring me that the fact I was even thinking about my relationship with Rowan was a step in the right direction, Wendy wrote, "She may not always LIKE you, but she will Love you and Respect you, and the LIKE will come back around."
Mandy gave me similar reassurances, and also wrote, "Just keep treating her as a respected friend who still needs some guidance, but who is growing in her ability to make good choices."
I appreciate how the word "respect" came up in both of their statements. I think right now that respect is what Rowan is really looking for. Back in October, I wrote a short essay about Rowan wanting control over her life. That desire for control tends to manifest as tears when she doesn't get to serve her own food at dinner, when I change the alarm on her clock without discussing it with her, or when we make her go to bed before she wants to. At least she's not asking to date the local bad boy yet! Our willingness to give her control over these little things, and they really are little things, is simply a sign of respect for her as she grows up.
It may be asking too much for her to always like me; after all, there are moments when I don't like her very much. If I work hard to treat her with respect, however, I shoud be able to earn her respect in turn (although I'm sure there will be more moments than I'd like in which she doesn't treat me with respect). I also need to remember that even when I don't like her very much, I always love her. The moments of dislike are rare and fleeting. I'm sure that ultimately the same will be true of her feelings toward me.
Earlier today, she asked me, "Do you know what 'not happy' is?"
"Do you mean like 'unhappy'?" I asked her.
"I'm surprised you know what that means," she said.
"Why?"
What she said next made my day, "Because you're always so happy!"
What more could a mother ask for?
